WASHINGTON, DC — Each new year brings with it new laws, many of which became effective on January 1, 2006. Having seen the huge success the Motion Pictures Asssociation and the Recording Industry Association had in protecting their material through draconian DRM measures in 2005, several other industry groups lined the halls of congress in 2005 looking to protect their assets, also.

The most far-reaching of the new laws was pushed by the Book and Magazine Union (BamU). This group managed to push through several measures in the last Congress to protect their groups interest. Effective immediately, a surcharge has been added to each newly purchased copier, printer, fax machine, and scanner. These recovered funds will be turned over to BamU and added to its retirement funding plan. Another measure pushed by the group added a similar tax to each pen and pencil sold and all inkjet and toner cartridges.

BamU spokesman Flip D. Igit said, “content hackers have gotten away with stealing material using these items for many years and we applaud this Congress for stepping up and doing the right thing. Everytime Betty housewife copies down some note or grocery list, they are recording protected material. These funds, in theory, will help put food on the table of all the little people who make their living designing soup can labels and making up silly product names. They deserve to be protected.”

Another group that successfully sought protection was the Media Catchphrase Alliance. A new law guaranteed them a payment from any individual that repeats one of their catchy catchphrases in public. ESPN talking head Chris Bluecup, speaking from his vacation home in Aruba, said, “I spend many hours coming up with those little lines for each sportscast, and its just not right for somebody to just grab and blab one of my creations in public without paying up. And that one is mine too–you can’t use it without paying. Damn I’m good. Everytime some kid on the street takes one of these, they’re taking food off my family’s table.”

One analyst noted that this will set up a big court battle between the media companies and the talent in front of the camera. Piper Jaffray analyst Sharpie Richards noted that, “The amounts of money we’re talking about here are significant. Proper implementation of this law could add 1-2 cents to the EPS of Disney alone in 2006. Or if the courts decide that the phrases and resulting revenue belong to the talent, Disney is likely to be hurt by an even larger loss resulting in having to replace all these guys who can blab off for a week and then dial 8 to the retirement beach house. And I’m not paying for saying that, dammit.”

Heartened by the positive response of lawmakers to these issues, the RIA and MPA have moved to even further protect their jewels. They managed to get another measure enacted that will tax barbers and stylists for copying haircuts of celebrities. Each cut will be assessed a fee based on the current Nielsen ratings (for TV stars), latest box office (for movie stars), radio play (for musicians) or the last playoff run (for sports stars). A highly placed NBA union executive said it was the only way to make sure that Michael Jordan didn’t come out of retirement again. “Hell, he’ll be in Jennifer Aniston territory in haircut royalties. Every shaved head kid will have to pay up.”

An RIA spokesman noted that they were not willing to stop there and were looking for even greater protection from Congress in 2006. “We’re shooting for a more holistic approach in 2006,” Skippy C. Lueless said. “Everytime you hum some song in your car, or sing along with the radio, or wail away in your shower….you will owe us! Don’t even think about Beyonce without knowing it will cost you. We’re still working on the best mechanism for monitoring these areas, but are leaning towards what we call the FU chip, that would be inserted in the temple of every person in the world and will network back to Hollywood to monitor this usage. We’re hoping to include a little shock program in the chip as a way to help enforce this one.”

FOR FURTHER INFORMATION CONTACT DB@LOSTINAFOG.COM, OR YOUR LOCAL CONGRESSMAN

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Posted by DB in Books, Magazines, Media, Movies, Opinion, Other Tech, Sports, TV