Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message adapted and updated from Mr. John Cleese:
To the Citizens of the United States of America:
In light of the strong possibility you are about to elect an elderly gentleman with a bad temper and a lady who thinks she can run foreign policy because she can see Russia from her house, as President and President-In-Waiting of the USA and thus to risk Life As We Know It for everyone else on the Planet, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does
not fancy). She won’t actually be in charge, but she’ll greet foreign leaders as necessary and not put her foot in it or vomit on anyone at dinner.
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections. He will choose someone who does not
have his or her hand in the till and has significant experience in running
Big Things. You have not had one of them for almost a decade and trust me,
it is a big plus.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. They have given away too much of
your money already to rescue incompetent business executives and soon your
American Dollars will resemble Zimbabwean Dollars in total worthlessness.
There is no free lunch you know. Although we originally let you get away
with secession because King George was robbing you blind, recent events
demonstrate that your present leaders are doing much worse things and
unfortunately you have not noticed.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether more than
half of you still believe Saddam Hussein was behind 9-11. Information to the
contrary will again be provided by the rest of the world and we request you
read it this time and refrain from invading the wrong country ever again if
you possibly can.
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To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
“like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.
You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you’re not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not
grown up enough to handle a gun.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $9/US gallon. Get used to it. Your driving
armoured cars to buy groceries is unnecessary, boorish and killing the
planet.
Most Important
We will require that people running things, like your government, are at
least moderately competent and not related by blood or bribes to those who
benefit from their decisions. We know it makes you more cozy when your
leaders know as little as you do, but, honestly, it is short sighted: you
need doctors who know more about medicine, pilots who know more about flying
and leaders who know more about leading.
And may I suggest the startling notion that politicians
don’t need to look good to do a good job? And it really is acceptable if
they are a bit boring, so long as they do their homework. It’s especially
important if evidently you have not done yours. Poor old Al Gore. Poor old
John Kerry. And by the way, are you happy now you chose a Governor for
California based on his teeth?
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will
let you face the South Africans first in their country. The six out of ten
of you who don’t own a passport will need to get one first.
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs,
with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God Save the Queen. But at least God won’t instruct your President to invade
any more wrong countries.
Adapted by somebody not me from John Cleese (according to the official note received
on real watermarked e-stationery)
